Things that are currently in my head...

If love comes in all form and manner;
Why do I feel unloved often in the day?

Is it my failure to see, or my refusal to admit?
Or is it merely my reluctance to accept
Unless it is in the form I want to receive?

Like everyone else, I would like to be appreciated, understood
And most importantly accepted.

Where do I rank my sorrows, when I compare it to the sorrows of the world?

Where does it compare to 3,000 released inmates that are struggling to pick up the pieces?
With a Yellow Ribbon Project that is funded by the very people that do not support it.

Where does it compare when a 23 year old girl dies in an accident leaving behind a 6 year old daughter?
Is having a doting grandparent any consolation at all?

What about an incurable deadly disease that affects one in a moment of folly?
When does one mistake becomes a no-through road to repentance?

Why does physical disability dictates a narrow career path?
When is one justified to become a part and not apart?

I guess when you compare it to the world, it is hard to allow your difficulties to be a debilitating factor.

I did consider to be colder and more detached. But I do not think that is the answer.

I need to be stronger but, more importantly, I need to do my part.

Then maybe, probably maybe, I could give myself time to grieve momentarily every once in awhile.

adopt your own virtual pet!

i am still here...part of me at least

someone was asking me, why dont i update my blog more often...the crux of the matter is that i do not have much more to say and all that i wanted to say does not really matter to others, except to me.

everything that i wanted to say, has been said, all that is in my head and my heart, is already a bleak reminder of my every day...and i just want to be set free...to be given time and space to recover on my own (assuming that there is ever a chance of 'recovery') and that there is a better place for me.

i find that life is getting harder to sustain and it gets very difficult at times. sometimes i keep telling myself, that there are many less fortunate people out there...but if i dont get to cry for myself, then who will cry for me?

its strange how your life can change so drastically, not too long ago, i would be waking up to receive sms-es from the night before and would instantly be sending morning greetings. now, i dont even want to look at my mobile, cause all that i have is a blank screen. no new messages, no sms-es to send to anyone.

its funny how one can become invisible suddenly...

irony? probably. i wanted to be left alone by one group of people, but i ended up being invisible to another.

I wish I knew

Theres this saying that we are a sum of all our past experiences. I tend to agree.

I believe it is through these experiences that we feel a whole load of feelings. We develop perceptions and understanding of the way things are. We associate value to certain things. It can even strike fear at the possibility of re-experiencing a similar experience.

Sometimes things happen so repeatedly, that it is hard not to believe that a higher being is trying to tell you something. I wish I have the answer. On second thought, I do believe I have the answer. My question is, how do I carry it out? for I am human, theres only so much that i can withstand and theres only so much that I can do.

Its alot easier to say that these is what one should do, but teach me how to do it or at the very least give me the strength to do it.

At the moment, Kelly Clarkson echoes my current sentiment perfectly about our past experiences shaping who we are today. I am indeed afraid to even try again. And yet, on the other hand, God tells me that I am not even supposed to try again.

I wish I knew why I am being punished. I wish I knew how I can experience happiness without feeling guilt.

Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

crash..boom..bang

Last week was kind of a topsy-turvy week for me. Not so much about what happen in my life, but the reflections that I gathered whilst going thru life.

I made a blunder at work, which could have been avoided if I had been careful. But it happened, and my boss said things happen and explained why he was upset over my blunder.

I watched the movie ‘Crash’. Read several reviews about it and finally managed to catch the movie. I think the movie further re-emphasised the fact that things happen. I didn’t feel very good after watching the show, not because the movie was bad. The movie was excellent!

The show depicted the lives of many different individuals, who are seemingly unrelated, but were connected in one way or another in the end. To me, the movie served as a bleak reminder that our actions, choices we made do have consequences. And it affects how people perceive us, react to us and develop their own form of understanding of us, especially in a heterogeneous world, where racial and cultural differences are amplified.

I think the movie further adds to the point that sometimes, ‘shit’ happens to even the ‘good’ people.

On national day, instead of watching the parade, I spent my time watching this vcd that Ying gave me. It’s the award winning Malaysian movie called ‘Sepet’. Its about love between a Malay girl and a Chinese boy. I think it’s a sad a movie. Unlike other cross-cultural relationships, this couple faced no objection from their parents with regards to their love.

I think a lot of time, one would say that differences between them are superficial. I would be the first to admit, that a relationship that spans across different cultures is not superficial. How could anyone consider cultural and religious differences that have been developed over centuries be deemed superficial?

But in spite of that, at the end of the day, the differences don’t matter. I think it makes it more exciting.

Why do I think that ‘Sepet’ is a sad movie? Cause again, this movie showed me that sometimes things happen and lives get affected by it. Will not spoil the ending for would-be viewers of the show.

I find it difficult to utter the words or reflections that I gathered from these series of events. It may even seem incoherent to some. So I will not even attempt to try, cause I might oversimplify it and loses its nuances altogether. But I will share certain excerpts from the movies or thoughts that have been constantly replaying in mind over the past few days:

- A line in the movie ‘Sepet’– “It doesn’t matter, who you like and why you like the person. If you like the person because of his race, or skin colour than be it. It is when you hate a person, that is when it is not right”.

- At the end of the movie ‘Sepet’, this quotation appeared – “it is as near to you as your life, but you can never wholly own it” by Robindranath Tagore.

- I am more convinced that ‘bigotry begets bigotry’

- in life, things happen. Sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad. I don’t always know why things happen. I only know that there is always a higher reason for things that happen which we may or may not always understand or see.

for the 'slightly' younger crowd out there, crash!boom!bang! was one of my fave songs by one of my fave singers of all time - Roxette. they are Swedish by the way
............
Crash! Boom! Bang!

my papa told me to stay out of trouble
"when you've found your man make sure he's for real"
i've learned that nothing really lasts forever
i sleep with the scars i wear that won't heal
they won't heal

cos every time i seem to fall in love
crash! boom! bang!
i find the heart but then i hit the wall
crash! boom! bang!
that's the call that's the game and the pain stays the same

i'm walking down this empty road to nowhere
i pass by the houses and blocks i once knew
my mama told me not to mess with sorrow
but i always did and lord i still do
i'm still breaking the rules
i kick it up
i kick it down

cos every time i seem to fall in love
crash! boom! bang!
i find the heart but then i hit the wall
crash! boom! bang!
that's my real middle-name
it has always been the same
that's the call that's the game and the pain stays the same

i still feel the heat
slowly fallin' from the sky
and the taste of the kissing
shattered by rain
comin' tumblin' from behind
and the wild holy war
i kick it up
i kick it down

and every time i seem to fall in love
crash! boom! bang!
i find the roses dying on the floor
crash! boom! bang!
that's the call that's the game and the pain stays the same
that's my real middle-name
it has always been the same
oh yea oh yea oh yea uh-huh
been the same been the same
it has always been the same

not so boring routine...

Things that I like in my daily routine

I like the fact that:

- every morning, I get up early, with no heavy heart to go to work
- it’s a nice feeling to start your day early
- at 8am every morning as I head towards the bus stop, I would bump into this cute little girl about 4 years of age, singing and giggling as she holds her grandfather’s hand to go to the nursery school
- on the bus, I would sit at my exact same seat, the one right next to the exit door
- on my way to work, I would send my morning greetings to ‘busuk yang wangi’
- I get to walk along Orchard Road, early in the morning, whereas everyone else would usually drop by Orchard Road only after work to do some shopping
- I work in a bungalow house that has been converted into an office building
- I see the cleaning lady, mopping the parquet floor as I stepped into the office and we greet each other ‘good morning’
- I sit by the window of the office
- I have to type the password ‘precious’ to start my computer (don’t ask me why, my predecessor must have been a Lord of the Rings fan)
- when I am meeting my friends for dinner in town, I just have to tell them to call me once they have reached town, cause I am already in town
- I still have different groups (college, NS, AIESEC and others) of very close friends, whom I meet regularly for dinner/coffee/movie etc
- I feel like I am making progress in my life then I ever did before

Have faith...

On Monday, I start a new job with Singapore Institute of International Affairs (SIIA). Trust me, when I said I am nervous about it. I would be joining them as an Events & Publicity Executive.

I think I am nervous cause the organisation deals with issues which I am very interested in – politics, international relations, geopolitics and issues of globalization. And being an ardent fan, I feel that I need to “know” such matters and not be himbo about them.

Its really funny, the initial jobscope was purely events management, and during the interview, and from my resume, it was clearly indicated that I have done marketing communications/ PR related in my previous job. As a result they expanded the jobscope to Events & Publicity in my letter of offer. Yeah hell that made me nervous cause now I am expected to deliver even more.

In spite of the nervousness and excitement, a small part of me feels comfort. Why? About two weeks ago, after one my prayers, I recited a verse from Quran for 1001 times during a particular time and it is said if you were to recite this verse according to the specifications and ask for God’s assistance, it is likely to come true. I asked for two things – one, for me to be able to get a job that would suit me hopefully by the end of the month and secondly for me to experience true happiness.

And surprisingly, this job came into the picture ...

Richocheted feelings

“Solitude is not meant to be experienced alone, but in the companion of close friends and family. Something that I learnt recently”

Again, I recently headed to Kuala Lumpur (KL) for an overnight stay and surprisingly, this trip ended up with a lot of ‘ricocheted’ feelings. KL has been a lot of things to me, a place that I love being in, long to be, and at the same time an escape for me.

I visit KL almost on a monthly basis. It’s a habit I cultivated since my university days. On the bus back to Singapore, I counted that there 24 entry stamps into Malaysia over a spread of three years (since 2002) which means on average every 1.5 months I would escape to KL. KL has always been my shangri-la for escape every time I feel down, sad or I just need to get away from it all. Over time, this habit grew and I no longer need to feel sad to just head to KL. It has grown into an addiction, providing me with short term feeling of control and away from unresolved issues.

A good friend of mine said to me, to start by claiming KL to be a hideaway is already a bad start. I should learn to resolve my issues and stop running from them. Another friend said to me, until the day, I learn to accept myself for who I am, the failures I have made, the mistakes and choices I made, I can never be truly happy. No amount of running can free me from it. And on this trip, I learnt the truth of those words.

Like most of my previous trips, I headed to KL all by myself, walked across the causeway, took a bus to the bus terminal, bought the bus tickets and waited half and hour then the bus took off at 7pm and I was on my 4.5hours bus ride to KL.

When I arrived, it was 11pm, checked into a budget motel, bought KFC chicken, stayed in my room and just sat there and ate. Walked around a little bit and then it hit me. I actually thought of my previous trips when I was with my friends.

I remembered showing my Swiss friend, Matthias, KL Tower which stood prominently by my motel as well as the attempt to enter a club 15mins before it closed and I was not allowed to enter with my backpack, the Skybridge of the Petronas Twin Tower that I went to with Ying, June and Chin Yong. Even a recent funny incident cross my mind and made me smile. I remembered on my last trip with June, Ying and CY, they wanted to get the bus home, and the last ‘NICE’ bus was sold out or were too late for them (I cant recall) so they settled for another one, and when it arrived it had the decal on its windscreen “Nice Too” which made me laugh for hours.

I realised I didn’t like to be alone in KL anymore. Probably the trip was ‘tainted’, probably it was ‘enriched’ by me bringing my friends along on one my escapades. It made me think about a lot of things. Hell no…KL is definitely cool. Not that anything about KL has changed whatsoever, I just saw things from a different dimension.

I guess KL will always be dear to me, but I need to stop seeing it as an escape route or as a tight hold on to years that went by. Yeah I know you cynics out there would say I am ageing…true to some extent but most importantly I was trying to recapture the four years that I lost and I need to let it go.

I hope there would be a point in time, where I would forgive myself, accept who I am and finally be able to tell the world that I made a mistake in life, but I have learnt from it and it made me a better person. I hope by then, true happiness would not only beckoned but would be right next to me.